This isn’t your typical religious story. This is a story of real, radical love.
A Discovery of God’s Deep Love for My Heart
“My story is one of the few that people really don’t like to talk about. And I notice in the church, sometimes, we say, ‘You can overcome addiction, alcoholism…’ but we never touch on the other things people might be dealing with. I don’t know if it’s because it’s such a touchy subject or whatever, but I say we need to talk about how people come from backgrounds like mine, or even worse. We really need to talk about these things.” —Stefeni Brown
If we’re honest, the Church has been silent on (maybe even afraid of) certain topics. And even though it’s reasonable to be intimidated sometimes, there’s never a time to not show love. There’s never an excuse to withhold it from anyone, not even ourselves. As we dive into an ever-developing love story between the Father and His Bride, we’ll really get to see the depth of His heart unfold.
Life-Changing Love
Heart-connection is God’s number one priority. Not correction, not intimidation, not condemnation. In fact, His love is so radical that it doesn’t need any of that to authentically change lives. He (Love) is patient, kind and never keeps a record of wrongs. He never gives up, He never relents. “There’s no shadow He won’t light up, mountain He won’t climb up; there’s no wall He won’t kick down, lie He won’t tear down, coming after [you or] me.” (Reckless Love, Cory Asbury). The way He chooses to pursue us goes beyond anything we’ve ever been taught. And He’ll do whatever it takes to prove His unending love for us.
A Story that Needs to be Told
Waiting a couple decades for someone you love sounds a bit insane. But when your love is so deep and you know what’s at stake, it’s really nothing to you. You’ll be as patient as you need to be, despite how painful it is to wait. This reckless kind of love is how God fiercely pursued Stefeni Brown’s heart, and how He beautifully turned her life as a stud into the foundation of her powerful testimony.
Stefeni was raised in a Christian household. She grew up loving God and learning truth. From the outside looking in, you’d never guess the internal battle she began to face. Stefeni felt different. She lived in an inexpressive home, but she had plenty to express. She had so many questions. With no outlet, however, she suppressed what she was feeling, leaving her isolated and confused. Lies didn’t wait to pollute her mind as a little girl; she soon believed that she was worthless, bottom of the barrel, and unloved. She felt like God had made a mistake in making her who she was. She then grew to dislike how she acted because no one would choose her or talk to her. She felt outcast, and unfortunately, these feelings lasted for years.
Feelings are Real, But His Love is Even More Real
With no idea how to deal with her confusion, Stefeni felt like she had no choice but to surrender to it. She says, “I lived in a gay lifestyle for twenty years and I thought God made a mistake. I couldn’t figure it out. I’d think about it, but I wouldn’t dwell on it. I knew it was wrong to be this way, but how could I stop doing this?” She kept going through it because to her, it just felt right— natural. In her mind, it was impossible to change. How do you come from that? She says, “I lived that way for years because it’s like, ‘Well, I guess this is how I’m going to be and this feels right to me. I know it’s wrong, but it just doesn’t make sense and I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing.'”
Thing is, God never gave up on her. Ever. He never left her nor forsook her. In her mess, through her confusion, He patiently waited for the perfect moment to gently draw her close. The time came when she was no longer content in leading a gay lifestyle. She cried out to Him with a simple, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and that was all it took for Him to sweep her off her feet.
“One by one, God began to answer Stefeni’s prayers. In His perfect timing, He showed her a way out.”
There’s Always More if You Want It
Even though Stefeni didn’t have all the answers, she knew that she wanted much more than the life she was leading. The catalyst for this epiphany was a tough break-up with her third girlfriend. She was incredibly heart-broken as anyone would be, stripped of the intimacy she was so used to. Ultimately, this was the crack that finally let God in to start addressing all her questions.
One by one, God began to answer Stefeni’s prayers. In His perfect timing, He showed her a way out. After feeling lost for so long, a friend shared the poem My Life As a Stud by Jackie Hill Perry (a former lesbian with a genuine testimony of coming to the Lord). She immediately connected to Perry, as she felt the exact, same way. She was so moved that she dug deeper into Perry’s story, immediately leading her to act on what she started learning. She separated herself from friends that weighed her down. She even went as far as getting rid of all the clothing that welcomed a lesbian spirit. She went all in, drew close to God and began to see Him in a different light. Through Perry’s authentic testimony, He changed her life and strengthened her walk with Him.
Becoming His Bride
God didn’t rush in to fix every detail of Stefeni’s life in the way that we might think. He invited her into a close relationship with Him by becoming the friend she didn’t know she needed. He focused in on her— made her feel seen, known and special. The more intimate they became, the more clearly she heard Him speak. He revealed to her, “You don’t have to think this way—this is not how I think…I don’t want you to think with your mind, I want you to think with your heart.”
God trashed the lies that fogged Stefeni’s thinking. After He dealt with the painful roots, He knew it was time for her to experience a healthy relationship. He brought her a new friend that helped to change her life. They hung out often and held each other accountable as they both hungered to serve the Lord. The unconditional love she experienced through her close friend is what solidified her inspiring 180.
Stefeni says, “God’s teaching me that He still has to remove things—it’s a process. He’s teaching me (from what I went through) just to be really honest and be myself and not be afraid of it. I’m finding out more things about myself that I didn’t think I would like or do, and it’s a really interesting journey. But I’m enjoying it because I’m finding out how loved I really am.”
