Brave the Water

“The success of the mission depends on Simon.”

Back in E7, Jesus told John this puzzling statement. It was something for all of us to chew on. Simon’s pain and misunderstanding led to a pulling away from Jesus and the other disciples, and belied a lack of trust. His wound grew deeper as his distance and anger grew. He still spewed words of faith, but in that wounded state, they felt false.

So here we are after the momentous occasion of feeding the 5000. Simon is angry that once again, God chose the others and not him, yet in his obedience, not to God, but to his own strength and responsibility, he goes to procure a boat to get Jesus and the disciples safely back to Capernaum before the storm hits. It’s his way. His modus operandi.

This mission, which was long, taxing and stressful, taught them all many things, and felt like a huge success. Yet Simon, the one whom Jesus said, “the success”… depended on him, was here, still closed off from everyone, spouting certitude and demonstrating insecurity in his faith.

This beautiful mission seems to end with tired disciples, a storm brewing, and an argument, as they follow Simon to the boat. Jesus stays behind, knowing full well that the boat will be the liminal space for the real close to this mission, as Simon and all of the twelve will come to the end of themselves.

We next meet the twelve, in big trouble. They are in the fourth watch of the night and have been stuck in the same place for hours, as the sea rages. They’re exhausted and scared. James collapses. The boat is taking too much water. Andrew yells we’d be “better off cold and wet on land than drowned and dead out here.” Simon tells them to keep rowing. They “can’t turn back” now. He didn’t know how right he was.

John was the first one to get a glimpse of the figure on the water. Most of them freaked out when they got a glimpse in the glow of a lightening bolt. They thought it was a ghost.

Simon knows this is no ghost. His faith in what Jesus can do has never wavered. His faith is strong, rock solid. And he is such a leader. He yells to them to stop rowing and he stands up, eyes fixed on Jesus, as Jesus calls out to not be afraid.

When they all realize it’s Jesus, Thomas says “How is this the second most amazing thing I’ve seen today?” Jesus asks, “How is this surprising after what you’ve already seen today?” Good question! Why don’t we remember?

“The success of the mission depends on Simon.” This keeps popping up in my mind! What does he do?

This boat and this situation is such a metaphor for what Jesus allows in life. It’s where we so often land when we finally need to let go of our certitudes that fall short, our coping mechanisms that we cling to, or our scarred over hearts, so hardened from unprocessed pain. This is a thin space, a liminal space, the belly of the whale. So many names for a place where we must meet God before we can move on to something more. A dangerous place where all that baggage will do us no good, and a safe place to let it go.

All the clinging and striving for control is for naught. We either let go and open our eyes, our ears, and our hearts to what Jesus has for us to see, to learn, to step into, or we sink in despair.

God knows we need that space of uncertainty, of fear even. God knows we love to hold on to what we can understand, to assign our own meaning to what we can’t explain, to seize what we think we have control over. And we are amazed by the wonder of God. By His grace, mercy and provision in times of greatest need. But so often we feel abandoned, alone, insecure. We question if Jesus is there or when He’ll show up the way we hope He will. And we just have to get to the place where we can genuinely reach out to Him. Right here, in this moment, in this struggle, is the safe place to meet Him.

It’s our life story. And this scene and story reminds them and us, that He is always with us, and knows when He will “show up.” He will show up when our need is greatest and we are OPEN to transformation.

“The success of this mission” is swirling around my head and all I can do is wonder. I believe it depended on Simon, because he was a part of the twelve, and he was struggling so. He had to reconnect. His struggle impacted the other disciples and all the people they would serve, as our struggle impacts each other. And his struggle would greatly impact the greater mission.

So what did Simon do?

He challenged Jesus! “If it is you, command me to come to you on the water! If you are who you say you are, bid me to step out of this boat!”

Jesus responded, “Do you have the faith to come out on this Simon: “Absolutely. You can do whatever you command. If you command the water to hold me, I will walk on it.”

Jesus: “If I call you to Me, you will step out in faith?” Simon: “Yes!” Jesus: “Then why are you upset?” Simon: “Why are you chasing after Gentiles when your own people have problems right here? When your own person has problems! I’ve been right here in front of you, believing in you! But you’re breaking up fights in The Decapolis.” How I love Jesus’ response. He didn’t try to correct Simon’s thinking while he was railing at Him, in pain. Jesus simply said, as He reached out His hand, “Then come to me, you, weary and heavy laden. I will give you rest.”

The disciples can’t believe Simon’s rashness! Even with Jesus right there, they are cautioning Simon, telling him not to go. So hard to wrap our minds around what God can do. But He keeps showing us. He does what we need. He does what will equip us to be who we are created to be, and do what we are called to do.

Simon, who has quite a leadership role to step into, fearlessly steps out of the boat, onto the water.

In one of the most amazing intercut scenes so far, right as Simon steps into the water, we see Eden, with her mother and Salome, stepping into the Mikvah with her, in support, as she yearns to be cleansed from her sorrow, to open her heart to trust Jesus again, and to restore her relationship with her husband. The storm is raging. The calmness and beauty of the Mikvah is a striking contrast, as are the points on the healing journey they are on. So much is happening in the parallel scenes. The visual images are stunning, with the darkness and the lightning that gives us moments of clearer vision. And the flickering candles. What profound uses of light here, as that light and the water and the presence of The Spirit in both spaces is so profound.

And the music! Matt Nelson and Dan Haseltine had quite a challenge in this massive scene. Matt says, “The entire storm sequence, right up until Simon drops underwater, is a steady build of layers of noise. With all the sounds of water and the storm, we knew we’d have to be very intentional about how to build the tension. We chose to add to the noise of the storm rather than to use tonal music. There are subtle symbol rolls, a singing bowl, a very high-register harmonium drone, and finally a spooky bloom of noise from an instrument called a waterphone. Underneath the noise, a heartbeat keeps a subtle pace, and there are unpredictable accents on a large floor tom, expertly placed by Dan.”

Stunning! You can feel the music absolutely intensify the awe and tension of this scene, producing startles and chills as it flashed and flowed. The God note, the haunting sounds, paired with the heartbeat that causes our hearts to regulate with it, just amazed me as I realized the emotion and even physical response from Matt and Dan’s underscoring.

The disciples (them and us), witness Simon walking on the water. Jesus asks, “Do you still have faith?” Simon responds, “Faith has never been my problem. I gave up everything to follow You, but you’re healing total strangers!”

SIMON—This is what Simon needed to do! He needed to pour out his pain and anger to Jesus. God can always take our railing at Him. He wants our honesty. He wants our full hearts and He wants us to know how much we can trust Him. We will never know if we don’t risk anything or take our deepest insecurities and hurts to Him.

EDEN—Eden finally took her loss and anger to her friends and to Yussif. They embraced her with compassion and helped her hear God’s words. The Psalm mirrored her anger and reminded her of His great power and love. And now she is taking her burdens and uncertainty to Him in prayer and practice.

Eden says, “Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who gives and takes away…”

Jesus tells Simon that he allows trials, because they prove the genuineness of his faith and strengthen both him and Eden. He said “this is strengthening you.”

Eden says, “ …Who comforts us in our grief, and binds up the wounds of the brokenhearted.”

Jesus commands Simon to keep his eyes on him, as he gets closer.

Eden: “Who mourns with us for the life that could not be.”

Simon looks away at the waves, loses focus, fears, and begins to sink.

Eden: “…in the shadow of Your wings do we take refuge.”

And simultaneously they go underwater. A beautiful dying to self, together. One by choice, with purpose; the other by circumstance, with God’s purposeful allowance.

Matt says, “Then the whole thing drops underwater, and all we have is a heartbeat.” What a powerful shift. That heartbeat is all Simon and Eden need, as they relinquish all to Jesus in this moment.

Matt continues, “A nice big synth bass pulse and Ruby Amanfu’s voice accent the moment of Jesus reaching into the water, and there’s a nice bloom of sounds as Simon is rescued. The worst of it is over now, but Simon is finally pulled back into a safe place where he might be able to move past his anger and into his deep sadness. It is a catharsis of sorts, but the high cellos play the grief and sadness that Simon is finally safe to access.” Such a powerful moment that the music embraces. And it pulls us into that embrace. As Eden comes up and Simon grabs onto Jesus, saying “Don’t let me go,” Jesus says “I’ve got you,” but Simon is finally realizing that his own strength is not enough. His security has to rest in Jesus, but as Matt so intuitively voiced, it becomes a moment that will usher in deep sadness, in the safest place of all, Jesus’ arms. So much grief has not been processed, and so much letting go is needed before it can turn into a joyous release.

Jesus compassionately and tenderly teaches, “I have much planned for you, Simon, including hard things. Just keep your eyes on me. I promise you.” For one who yearns for purpose and strength this must be a comfort.

Jesus commands the storm and waters to be still, as we all watch in awe, and then He comforts a childlike Simon, so tenderly, who is in tears, clinging to Jesus, saying over and over, “Please, don’t let me go.”

Jesus tells Simon, and us, “I’m here, I’m always here. I let people go hungry. But I feed them.”

We have all shared in the pain and loss and fear in life. We have all been in these places of loneliness and uncertainty that we can’t understand. And we have such short memories. As we watch and try to take this in, the disciples are silent and stunned. They’re so moved by the vulnerability and beauty of this moment, and of this unique brand of love that is so very different from the world’s, so unconditional and all-consuming. We all are witness to something that will change us. This is a moment that is potentially transformative, for each of them and us.

And Simon cries out again. “Don’t let me go,” as we see Eden in the water. Praying to God, “Don’t let him go. Please don’t let him go.” Eden’s words and face are filled with peace.

Matt says, “We experimented with music over Eden’s prayer, ‘Don’t let him go,’ but we ultimately decided it was more powerful to let that line be held in silence.”

I want to remain in silence. But I can’t. I struggle with some of these words, yet I write them because of what these stories can mean to us. I still need to process, so bringing you with me, if you want to join me…

This whole season has been one of interwoven stories that are so important, with applications that are easy to miss if we don’t dig in. Our writers have given us such a gift. As I watched this scene, I remembered when Jesus told the disciples in the pres- ence of the angry folks in Naveh, that the strength of our faith was not the point. Simon had such strength of faith. And that reliance on his strength of faith was actually harmful to him and all around him.

Jesus compared seekers to bees who were looking for the sweet nectar. He said we need to be not so strong in our faith, but to have security in Who our faith is in. That is the kind of faith that is sweet and attractive. Jesus wants authentic faith and trust. Followers who know they are beloved even in their trials and weakness. (He is not the one condemning us.) He longs for followers who can love and rest in Him, and treat others with compassion as He does us. How attractive are words of faith, in love and trust, paired with kindness and compassion?

So, back to that elusive phrase that keeps pulling me, “The success of the mission depends on Simon.”

I have no certitude here. But a thought bubbles up. The mission is always bigger than what we’re actually doing right now. Jesus knew that the F5K mission was not the main thing. The success of His bigger mission, of discipling His followers, was dependent on Simon to realize he is dependent on God. To realize he is to be a leader in a community of faith, the body of Christ. To be an attractant to the love of Jesus. And everyone of the twelve needed to experience that moment on the water, with him.

It’s our mission to know we are beloved. To love God, each other, and know above all else that He is with us in every circumstance. He has a plan for us, as we step into His invitation. We will learn and grow and be equipped as we go through struggle with God and each other. May we lovingly remind each other when we forget, to let go of what keeps us from not letting go of Jesus.